Solitude is not what most people think. I won't tell you it's not great because there are aspects of it that are spectacular and liberating, but at the same time I'm not going to sugarcoat it. The downside is dark.
There are a lot of people who can and do appreciate not having to answer to someone or keep a set schedule. Being able to up and do whatever at the drop of a hat is pretty cool. Yet most of the people who've spoken to me about isolation in glowing terms are the people who don't have any, those whose lives are filled with others making demands and wanting their time. They're people who don't get a moment's silence. So I think they may have a tendency to romanticize this life of mine.
It's not romantic.
It's cold. I can count on one hand the number of times in a year that I have physical contact with another human. That includes shaking hands. Getting sick is challenging. Sometimes getting out of bed is a less than sunny prospect. Similarly, going to bed alone every night is not always a blast. It's not even necessarily a sexual thing (although I remember that being cool). Just curling up with someone, wrapping around someone before falling asleep, is one of the most human things. People who get to do that every night forget that.
On the other side, I can stay up as late as I want, sleep in if I'm inclined, ignore my chores and blow off the entire planet. No one notices and no one carps. If I have an idea for a song or a story at 2:00am, no one's there to ask what the hell I'm doing or when I'm coming back to bed.
The funny thing is that having a life geared toward selfish impulses is kind of odd for someone who's not fundamentally selfish. I'm not denying that I enjoy treating myself, but as a friend pointed out, humans are not built to be alone. Since the earliest recorded history we define everything by duality. The struggle between good and evil. The necessity of challenge to achieve success. Light and dark. Day and night. Man and woman. Even the idea of The Lone Hero is someone who faces struggle and makes sacrifice for the better of others.
So why do I live this way?
Because it's the best solution for me and for everyone else. I don't get the 21st century, not really. I am too easily disappointed and I am invariably a disappointment to those few people who've wanted me in their lives. I'm a simple person at the root of me and that seems to piss women off. If I'm not complicated, scheming, duplicitous or playing games, the women who've been attracted to me get bored and angry. Sex, love and romance aren't enough. Good conversation only goes so far. They like conflict and complication. I don't.
Am I saying this is bad? Fuck no. My life is whatever I want to make it. On weekends I rise before the sun and make breakfast to watch it crest the horizon, to feel those first rays hit my skin. Sometimes I play it into the day, selfishly making a tiny soundtrack for the dawn. I don't have to make my bed or I can, in the words of the last one I dated, live like an old woman. If the urge is to research mythology or wax nostalgic, I can unreservedly.
But I'd be lying if I said I don't miss conversation or smelling a woman in my sheets, having a hand softly touch my back. Being unexpectedly kissed. Hearing laughter when someone catches me dancing. Making breakfast in bed for someone. Another presence.
I guess one of my meanders is always gonna be a mixed bag. I don't write this with a tone of regret, I'm just trying to get at some king of honesty, some personal truth. And that's rarely a thing with only one side. I could just as easily write of my experiences in relationships. My temptation would be to wax poetic and go on about the lyrical qualities of the women I've known. But there are reasons that none of those partnerships endured. And I don't by any means imply that there is only culpability for one party. I have been a nightmare in those pairings.
But that can be another post.
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