I learn slowly. In come cases really slowly. But I always try to learn. Being a damaged person and not as smart as I think I am, I have learned a lot of things that were wrong and needed unlearning. But I try. It's taken a really long time to understand that my wiring is not like a lot of people. Most of my friends are artists, whether musicians, actors, writers, painters or combinations of them. Consequently, I've been around a lot of people who are not wholly dissimilar to me. None of these people have employed me or been in relationships with me, so... well, you can see where that would go.
But I'm not gonna write about that. Ha! Gotcha!
Nope. I want to yammer about what it means to tell people they have promise or that a lot is expected of them, and what it means to go into any situation with expectations. Almost all of us do these things and we do it far more than we think. These things are inflicted on us, too. Again, it ain't fair; it's human.
Fuck.
I have no way to gauge this but I believe most people think I'm smarter than I am. I assert this because I have been told since long before I can remember that I have such great potential. At this point I would like to quote Snoopy in hopes that a parent will read this someday and think before saying that to a child: 'There is no heavier burden than great potential.'
It's fucking awful. This is tantamount to telling a child, "Be great or disappoint me." Suffice it to say that I've been told a lot that I'm a disappointment. Does that mean I'm not smart or talented? I hope not. But I have rarely lived up to anyone's expectations. Maybe it's because I didn't learn fast enough or shine bright enough. I didn't outstrip others or wasn't a leader.
Why do we do this? We do it to our children, our lovers, our parents, our friends and even those we don't like. One of the things I loathe about the internet these days is that there are always these ads and links that pop up no matter what I'm doing that read 'You Won't Believe How They Look Now!' or something equally harsh. Have you ever followed one of these links? Photos of celebrities in old age are placed side by side with others at their peak, invariably captioned cruelly. Or maybe it's an image of someone from the silver screen coming out of rehab, or a rock star shopping with family. How dare we allow our heroes to be human!!
But we do it to each other all the time. I watch marriages fall apart because people stop talking, or because a partner changes and doesn't explain what's going on, or because both partners change and rather than bring it to light they just grow cold, resentful and bitter. And they split. Usually afterward blame is heaped on the other one. This occurs in very enlightened people.
Of course sometimes there is blame deserved. Cheating? Not cool. Any violation of trust or legality falls under the not cool heading.
But think about dating. Two people meet or are introduced. They get excited and nervous. They hope. They second guess. By the time they meet again for the actual getting together and getting to know one another, they're each carrying a freaking suitcase of thoughts, worries, concerns and EXPECTATIONS.
Human. It's human. We're all fucking human.
But we don't have to bring these things to the table. Or, if we do, we can express them. We can say what we think and feel. Really. It's actually not hard to do. It may be nerve-wracking the first few times, but it's actually liberating to speak one's mind and admit to having doubts, fears, anxieties, previous bad experiences or any number of things.
'There is no heavier burden than great potential.'
There is nothing worse than having that burden dumped surreptitiously upon one. Or wielding unspoken thoughts like a weapon. It's like performing witch testing. It's metaphorically binding someone and throwing him or her into the water: if they float or swim, they're witches; if they sink they're innocent... and dead.
Admittedly, this plays into why I stepped away from dating and romance. I love all wrong. I fail witch tests. Being an artist means having powerful emotions, living by instinct and speaking freely. Most people are happier with mystery. Most people also expect a partner to be telepathic.
I got into the habit early of saying "I'm sorry." I said it so much in fact that I didn't realize it was coming out of my mouth so much that people were joking about it. But I felt I was constantly disappointing people and they regularly told me that I was not living up to their expectations. This changed when I was in couple's therapy and our shrink, a brilliant individual, made us bow to one another when the phrase was used for something that didn't require it. For a week we were bowing to each other a lot. And sometimes in public.
I learn slowly. But I try.
I still talk too much and I still don't always say the things I should. (I really will write about the conditional tense.) But I'm working on it. I don't want to be guilty of those things I felt were done unfairly to me. I don't want to hunt witches. I want people to get a chance and get by on their own merit. I want to see people learn.
But I know we have a long way to go.
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