When I returned to these meanderings, I was at a rough point and feeling raw. I had no intention and I was at a metaphoric crossroads. I had watched social media, what had become my primary social interaction, pass through a few iterations until it had become something far removed from what had initially drawn me to it. Where it had been a distraction and a place to amuse myself, to sometimes learn of or experience what was outside my own world, it had become a gateway to overt hostility and was no longer about connection. Instead of posting silly, fun or musically instructive things, I was spending most of my time ignoring and deleting hate mail, trying diplomatically to tell people who were hitting me up for free instruments that I am not rich and fielding strange random missives from people who had never interacted with me prior but who I somehow betrayed by showing affection or amusement to my actual friends. This was my outlet for, well, just about everything that was percolating in the grey matter.
But things change. And as I read those comments posted here in the last months, I reflect on what this page has become for me. What I've left here recently has been neither insightful nor amusing. I've been carping. Nearing the end of each month I would think, 'Oo! Better blog!'
The truth is I'm not who I was when I started The Unheard Music. It's not about the artist's path or the struggle of an individual to sort through trauma in a changing world. And, funnily enough, it stands in direct opposition to my assertion that I want invisibility.
Of course the truth is I don't. Invisibility, while possibly an inevitability for me and those like me, is actually an inversion of what I want. It's not to be famous or remarkable or anything similar, but to be seen. Ideally by one person, bu probably to feel like my thoughts and feelings mean something.
They do and they don't.
To me obviously they're at the center of everything. Outside of me, they're meaningless. And in keeping with so much of what went into these posts, irrelevance is nothing to throw at people again and again.
The other day I had the most bizarre exchange online. Someone posted an odd comment on one of my videos. I attempted to reply, sharing facts. The poster claimed that because he didn't know me or what I'd done (having a career in music) that it couldn't have happened and that I was instead delusional. As those things I wrote about earlier in the month, it was a coffin nail. It's evident I no longer understand how people interact and should therefore restrict how and when I do. Buying groceries, paying bills and what's on that order are probably safer.
So perhaps someday I'll turn Facebook on to prove I was here. Maybe there will be something significant that occurs in my quiet life that will merit my sharing words, thoughts and feelings. Who knows? Maybe I'll return to performing, recording and teaching. Maybe I'll finish and try to publish the book.
Maybe not.
Living a quiet beautiful life was enough. I think it can be again.
Take care, all. See you in the funny pages.
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