It was an experiment. It was morbid curiosity. It was that perverse, bizarre need to know. And now I do.
I have posted plenty about my feelings regarding mainstream social media so I won't rehash, but after nearly 2 years away from Facebook, I reopened the pages just to post two photos. No fanfare, no preamble, just the images.
What's surprising is that I wasn't surprised. Within a couple of minutes there were well over a hundred 'likes' with dozens of comments congratulating me on coming to my senses and welcoming me 'home.'
Yes, surreal.
The best part for me was that several of those posting were the same ones who had made sure to get my contact info before I closed down the pages initially, so they could stay in touch. The same ones I reached out to first. The same ones who never contacted me during the time away.
I don't want this to read as hypocritically as it likely is. I am terrible about communications. Part of that comes from having a job doing it, but on social media there is just no way I can keep pace with it. None.
And I don't want to present the image that I haven't enjoyed or benefitted from social media. I have. A lot. All I'm stating is that I'm not the same person I was when I subscribed to those sites and began interacting in those communities.
At present the pages are staying open but there is not a whole lot of interaction. In the last couple of years I have reclaimed so much of my life. I am thrilled to live where I do and to have the time to invest in my creative whims. Perhaps I'll even try returning to music performance or publishing something. But more than anything I'll be redefining my boundaries. Probably a lot. If anything, the last two years have shown me that there is quiet to be had and distraction to be avoided, that I am the one who can make the choices.
I don't mean all this to come across as me judging. I have no issue with anyone choosing to use and enjoy social media or the latest, greatest technology. If these things work for you, great! For me neither is worth the investment of time, energy or much else. I am happy to become a satellite to the world, peripheral to the mainstream. The more peripheral the better, actually.
Where I once craved attention and validation, I now seek something much different. Attention is the last thing I want. Validation is something I can serve up. All I want is authenticity. Likely this will pull me further from a society that becomes less palatable and more baffling daily. And this is no slam against society, it's just my way of saying I don't understand where things are going and I want to cultivate what I can understand and what feels good. For me this is best done away from people.
Regardless of what I want, maybe I am judgmental and a hypocrite. I do know that I'm damaged and that much of what I embraced no longer has a place in my life. At the same time most of the values I have clung to resonate more strongly. I believe in love, honesty and the connectedness of all life. That does not mean I will force my love, my truth or my presence upon anyone. The people in my life know where I am and how to reach me. And now those that don't and want to can find me online.
If I am lucky -- and I mean very lucky -- I will become more articulate and communicate better. Or maybe I'll stop to organize my thoughts before sitting down to write. But I will tell you that the urge to simply leave all this behind and retreat to anonymity and invisibility is overpowering sometimes.
