There have been a boatload of things in my mind lately so as I sit at the computer, they have all evaporated. What that means for you is another off the cuff, in the moment completely random blather lacking any of the elegance or eloquence of a piece brought to you by a real dyed in the wool writer who places craft on a par with art. No, I'm not one of those. My aesthetic is more the improvising musician's, where there's fuel for the fingers but possibly nothing fed downward from the brain into them. Don't worry: I'm not offended if you take this opportunity to direct your attention elsewhere.
You should absolutely read me, though, if you appreciate the singular thinking that comes from the mind of an artist, a neurotic, a romantic a curmudgeon and/or an iconoclast. I'm no genius, crusader, bastion of political correctness or mouthpiece for the 21st century. I'm a self-imposed outcast who may or may not be a hermit, depending upon your definition or who you ask. I prefer to be positive but am negative more than I'd like, have been extremely healthy and just as self-destructive, was labeled both serial monogamist and womanizer, and while I think of myself as transparent, I am continually misunderstood.
So what the hell am I on about today? How about communication and blame. Yeah. Yeah, that'll work fine.
I've been in a lot of couples and know a lot of people in them. It's what so much of us crave, as much for the end of solitude as for the enjoying of someone else, for the chance to be heard and touched, to laugh and do all those things people do together. This does not in any way qualify me as an expert, just as human. Again, that last part depends upon your definition and who you ask.
There really does seem to be a split in the kinds of couples out there. Some couples talk. They work to get closer and to support one another. They work through problems and find solutions together. They know that fights can actually lead to greater intimacy and understanding. They live in a dynamic state. They are also the minority.
Most couples get together based on chemistry, possibly on shared goals and the thought that they can make it because they really like one another. Over time the chemistry fades, they discover they don't have that much in common and communicating nothing they really want to do. Routine and rut become their norm. They look outward at other couples, imagining they're somehow better. They look at other people. They fantasize. They cheat. Lies become commonplace, not only to each other but to themselves. They are the majority.
Why?
Because we're human. We're lazy. We want to believe that there's a point where the work stops and we get to coast. Comfort and convenience are so much nicer than reality. Most of us have no idea what healthy is. We understand healthy appetite, but healthy choices are alien to most of us. We live according to our desires.
That isn't always bad. The desire to prove oneself has led to great athletes and artists. The desire to be right has led to great inventions and given rise to corporations, to whole industries. Desire is hardwired into us. We desire one another, families, children... it goes on and on.
The problem is that desire unchecked is dangerous. To want for the sake of wanting leads to the end of relationships, weight gain, career destruction, cultural ostracism and worse. People kill and die for desire. Lives are ruined for it. Disappointment grows in it. It kills empathy.
Rather we let all these things happen. We hate consequence and most of us aren't particularly far-sighted. We confuse gratification with satisfaction and we get them both mixed up with contentment. Gratification is rarely enough. Satisfaction is passing. Contentment is a fucking unicorn.
But I'm lucky. I've had to start from scratch a couple of times and been able to create more than one life for myself over the years. In turn I've lived my dreams and wallowed in horrible depression, practically destroyed myself through self-loathing and reached places of health and happiness that had been beyond my ability to imagine. There was a point where the unicorn of contentment was mine. And I let desire drive it away.
Really.
Even though I choose solitude at this point I think being part of a couple is a wonderful thing. I would be lying if I told you I didn't crave it on some level. Being desired, having a friend, sharing inside jokes, simply having a human presence are all wonderfully human things. The flip side of that is letting things devolve to the point where the one person central in a life becomes the recipient of the worst vitriol, unwarranted resentment and blame for so many things. This too, unfortunately, is human.
But none of it is carved in stone. I know that change is possible. The process of making it may not be pleasant, but almost anything can be changed. That's why it's circumstance. And most partnerships can be saved. But it's degrees of desire. If one partner wants the new more than the proven, he or she is going to walk away from the relationship which exists.
Again, human.
We admire people who have 'those' relationships, but the difference between them and the rest of us is that both partners are committed to making it work. They do the work. Both of them. It's about togetherness. Even when it's ugly. Even when you want to throttle one another or run away screaming. No one will infuriate you like the one you love. No one else will make you feel as good. We choose our partners but we forget to honor that choice. We don't have to. There's no need to. But we do.
Love may be the greatest thing going, but love ain't easy. There was a movie I watched long ago where it was called the ultimate leap of faith. I don't know if I'd go that far but on a purely emotional level, I can't think of a bigger risk. We lose faith in ourselves constantly, but to really love you have to have faith in that someone else and in the relationship you've built. Most people see everything as disposable but that doesn't hold true with people. Not the ones we value. The instant you think of a relationship as disposable, you've planted the seed of its destruction. It may never germinate but it can.
Perhaps this is all a part of my insanity. I believe a lot of what I was taught, even though I learn more and more of it was lies. But I have felt INCREDIBLE love. I have breathed it in, wrapped it around myself and slept in it. Love protected me from horrors. I do believe it's all you need. And I cannot possibly be alone in that. I can't be. The trick is finding someone else who believes it, then being able to work. It's possible. Not easy, lord knows, but possible. Look around you. There are people living in love. They aren't better people. They're committed: to each other, to the work and to love.
But as Ian Anderson put it, nothing is easy. Though time gets you worrying, my friend, it's okay.
Pretty solid jumping off point.
