I could carp and kvetch about how old I feel or how life is just not fair or anything along those lines, particularly in light of the last several months leading up to the event itself, but why bother? Is it going to change anything? Will I somehow magically feel better about the state of my life and me smack in the middle of it?
Nope. Not even a little. So instead, I'll do what I've been doing for these posts since I returned to the blog: ramble extemporaneously and hope that something cohesive comes from it!
Or something.
I don't live extravagantly but I do allow myself indulgences. Sometimes that means food. Occasionally it's an instrument. Once and a while I take a sanity day just to stay on the mountain and enjoy the quiet. But the fabric of my life is nothing too fancy for the most part. Nope, I try to stay down to earth.
But for the 50th, marking two decades of life I never expected to see, I wanted to do something nice for myself. A little vacation in the midst of the inevitable end of the year craziness. So I researched for a couple of months and found a place not too far, not too expensive, but beautiful and with a chef reputed to be one of the best in the area. Huzzah! Plans finalized, reservations were made unreservedly.
Which meant getting the flu the night before I was to leave. Of course. Not the end of the world, certainly, but still a bummer. So rather than enjoying new vistas and gourmet fare, I plied myself with juice and water while going through unbelievable amounts of tissue paper. How a human body can produce so much gunk without completely shutting down is beyond me, but as a writer I suppose it's good to know these things. Regardless, the fever and ache reduced me to getting around like a nonagenarian, unable to read, write, watch TV or do much more than wheeze. And think.
I thought a lot.
Yes, it would have been great to get away with someone special and enjoy the indulgence but just turning to my window reminded me I'm surrounded by beauty. Cards had come in the days before the malady and on the day itself there were texts and emails. For a guy huddled and freezing under three layers of winter clothing, the cockles of my heart were indeed warmed and warming.
In 50 years I've had great love, legendary romance, ridden a motorcycle absurdly fast, been on the cover of a magazine, become a part of a community and heralded as a voice in it... the list is long. And it is absolutely more than I deserve considering the drama monger I've been for the majority of my life.
But the beauty is that we don't get to decide how we're seen or what comes our way. Life does. Others do. For all the time I spent hating myself and thinking I'm not good enough, there have been others trying to convince me just the opposite is true. For the decades I worked hard to be respected or taken seriously, when I stepped away from all that to instead just do what I love, what makes me happy, that validation came.
I would love to say that this means something and that I have wisdom to impart to you (assuming anyone's reading this), but I think it just comes down to doing what you believe in with no thought of anything more than doing the best you can. For your own peace of mind. Maybe you'll be rewarded. Maybe you'll live and die in obscurity.
And at the end of the day it doesn't matter. Can you put your head on your pillow before falling asleep with a clear conscience? If you can, you're in good shape. If you can't you're not likely someone who'd be reading this anyway.
It's not hard to get caught up in the expectations of others, in a life spent second guessing rather than just acting. That's human. And we are all human. Sometimes we see things clearly and other times that's about impossible. We can be as giving as we are selfish. But it's about doing the best we can and not tearing ourselves apart when we don't succeed in the ways we want.
My life has kindly offered me moments of wonder, incidents that pulled me from my own limited view to see that others see and feel things very differently than I imagined. Once was a crying fan in Whitefish, Montana who thanked me for bringing good music to her town. She was talking about the band I was a part of but I am so grateful every day of my life since that she chose me to convey her message. Another time was a message from a musician in eastern Europe who wrote at length how I was his musical hero. None of us knows who we are to someone else.
Would I live differently if I never had either of those moments. Yep. Absolutely. I do what I do to stay sane. Being alone, the priorities are different. But I am so thankful that those moments, and more than I can easily count, have happened. Not because I feel special, but because they ground me. They humble me.
When I was 15 and had not been playing bass too long, I was listening to a recording that my teacher had recommended. It was a kind of music that I'd never really heard before. I wasn't sure what to make of it intellectually. But at one point I started feeling... funny. I don't know that I have a word for it even at this point. But something was different than it had been before. It took a few seconds before I realized I was crying. I was weeping, right there in my parents living room in the middle of a weekday afternoon. I could tell you the song and what point in the recording, as well as the personnel in that session, but there isn't any reason. I had been touched emotionally and in that moment I knew I wanted to be able to do that same thing. I didn't know if I would be able to, but that was what put me on the path.
And even when it was tough and sacrifices have been made, when I didn't achieve the things I wanted when I wanted them, I have no regrets. Zero. Just the one decision, the one realization, made it possible for me to strive. For me that's what it's about. Success is lovely. It's great. So is getting paid. But I'll tell you flat out that nothing has come close to hearing I'm someone's hero, to having a fan tearfully thank me for something that I was a part of.
I hope there are more birthdays, with or without others to share them with me. I hope there's sex and romance and laughter and a ton of stuff. But I'm pretty good with what I've seen come to pass so far.
No, I'm really good with it. I'm honored.
